How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist

I am writing this because of the possibility that you are or were dealing with a narcissistic partner. Enough of my clients in my love coaching business have ended up with covert narcissists, that I want to do my part to prevent more harm. If you're dating, you need to understand the warning signs. If you have a past or current relationship with a narcissist, you have to set clear boundaries and take steps to protect your emotional well-being.

For anyone stuck in a toxic relationship with a narc, it can feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. Narcissists thrive on emotional manipulation and an inflated sense of self-importance. But the first step toward reclaiming your power is recognizing the traits of a narcissist and understanding how to safely distance yourself. We'll cover that shortly.

If this feels familiar, know this:

“Narcissism is rampant.”

That’s how my conversation with 13-year veteran counselor Angel Hoodye started. She chuckled when I asked for stats, remarking that narcissists rarely self-report. Touché! 

She went on to say, it’s just not talked about enough by the survivors/victims and professionals--and I agreed there’s still a taboo. Most people don't want to talk about how their relationship isn’t working or the bad behavior they are tolerating. It's embarrassing.

I teach my clients how to take personal responsibility, and “clean up their side of the street” in relationships; but once that work is done, there needs to be a “come to Jesus” moment where the other side is assessed!

Key Traits of a Narcissist

A person with narcissistic personality disorder often exhibits the following behaviors:

  • Lack of empathy – They show little regard for other people’s emotions or struggles.

  • Grandiosity – They believe they are superior and deserve special treatment.

  • Manipulative tactics – They twist situations to serve their own needs.

  • Need for constant admiration – They crave validation to feed their fragile ego.

  • Projection – They blame others for the very things they do themselves.

  • Never taking responsibility – They avoid accountability at all costs.

  • Lying and deception – They distort reality to protect their narcissistic supply.

  • Narcissistic rage – They react with anger or aggression when their superiority is questioned.

If you find yourself regularly upset, confused, or emotionally drained, you may be the target of a narcissist.

Hoodye warns, the word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but there’s a difference between someone with narcissistic traits and someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). 

Diagnosing narcissism is something only a professional can do, and it’s based on a variety of factors that can only be fully assessed over time in counseling with someone.

A crazed doctor stabbing a woman in the eye with a penlight

Why It’s So Hard to Leave a Narcissist

Narcissists use manipulative tactics to keep you hooked. They employ love bombing at the beginning, making you feel like the most special person in the world. But over time, they shift into gaslighting, silent treatment, and emotional abuse to control you.

One of the most important things to understand is that narcissists thrive on control. Their own insecurities drive them to dominate relationships, keeping you trapped in a high-conflict divorce or a never-ending cycle of false accusations and smear campaigns.

In the search for healthy love, know this: 

A narcissist cannot love you in the way you deserve. If you’re hoping they will change, you’re likely holding onto what Tracy Schorn calls "hopium"—the false hope that one day, they’ll wake up and treat you better.

"Hopium" can be very addictive. But things don’t turn out.

Cute doggo waiting patiently

It’s tempting to believe someone will change, or that your worth is linked to being able to change them– but evidence shows that it is extremely difficult for true narcissists to change, which means they will never care about your experience of life unless it serves their purposes in the moment.

How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

To reclaim your peace of mind, setting firm boundaries is essential. Here’s how:

  1. Limit communication – Keep conversations brief and to the point. Avoid phone calls and stick to text messages or emails when possible.

  2. Avoid emotional reactions – Narcissists feed off drama. Stay calm and detached.

  3. Document everything – Keep records of conversations, financial records, and any manipulative behaviors they display.

  4. Use the Grey Rock method – This means becoming as emotionally unresponsive as possible so they lose interest in provoking you.

  5. Don’t fall for guilt-tripping – Expect them to try and pull you back with false apologies or claims that they’ve changed.

Steps to Take When Leaving a Narcissist

Breaking free from a narcissistic spouse or partner requires careful planning. Narcissists don’t handle rejection well, and a breakup can trigger narcissistic rage or attempts to sabotage you and your personal growth. Here’s what you need to do:

Acknowledge and Document the Problem: Become aware of the person's patterns and behaviors (and your coach will tell you to keep a log of them), instead of focusing on what they once were, or who you hope they could be. An eyes-wide-open approach means acknowledging harm, betrayals, and gaslighting, and that can hurt.

✅Prepare for smear campaigns: Expect them to spread lies about you to family members, mutual friends, or even on social media.

✅Separate, Detox, and Grieve: Going through the detox and the grieving of letting a person (and an idea) go is going to take discipline, distraction, and going to require a community of professional and personal support, plus TIME (apart.) 

✅Discipline Your Mind: Your mind is going to want to keep looping back to upsetting thoughts; catch that and flip it as much as you can. Your mind is going to want to give second (ahem, hundredth) chances, discipline yourself, and don’t go back. 

✅Distraction and Healthy Substitutes: Old patterns die hard. You need your mind on other things. Plan lots of activities, self-improvement, and time with healthy people. Build a support system – Surround yourself with people who will remind you of reality and offer emotional support. Our group coaching program is great for that.

✅Ongoing Support and Closure: It will help to hear how normal your grieving process is, from a professional. It will help to be reminded of behaviors that are not okay. You don’t need the narcissist to talk to you to have closure. You can receive closure through your own self-work, spiritual practices, and support from your community.

✅And Stay Out: Most narcissists are very charismatic. It’s not hard to understand why someone would fall for them, but it is hard to get out. I hope these words make it a little easier to begin the process and stick to it, if it applies to you. 

The best ways to leave a toxic relationship involve careful strategy and self-protection. Make sure you prioritize your own sanity, safety, and emotional health throughout the divorce process or separation.

Since I define “love as a verb” as caring about the other person’s experience as much as you do your own experience, there is a starkness to this conclusion: A narcissist cannot love you. You will never feel loved. This may feel familiar from childhood, but it's not okay –it wasn’t then and it’s not now.

Frustrated man saying "it is not ok"

Healing and Moving Forward

Once you’ve left a narcissistic partner, the real work begins. Many survivors struggle with low self-esteem, emotional reactions, and lingering doubts about whether they made the right choice. Here’s how to rebuild your life:

  • Practice self-care – Engage in self-care activities like meditation, exercise, or creative hobbies.

  • Cut ties completely – If possible, go no contact. Block them on social media and avoid any unnecessary interaction.

  • Work with a therapist or coach – A mental health professional can help you process the trauma and rebuild your self-worth.

  • Reclaim your worth – You deserve a healthy relationship built on mutual respect and genuine love.

  • Give yourself time – Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t linear. Be patient with your journey.

Leaving a narcissistic spouse or partner can feel overwhelming, but in the long run, it’s the best decision for your mental health and future happiness.

 
Video game heart breaking in half with the text "game over" appearing above it
 

What can you do right now?

If you recognize the traits of a narcissist in your partner and you have already "tried everything," take action to make your life better now. Seek legal advice, gather financial records, and plan your exit wisely. You are not alone, and there is support available to help you rebuild a loving relationship with yourself first.

Please share this article with anyone in your life you think needs to read it. Healing is a team sport. You’ve got this!

Love,

 
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