4 Tips for Positioning Negative Feedback So it Can be Heard
Do people get defensive when you give them negative feedback?
Here are 4 tips on how to position negative feedback so the person listening can really hear it!
1. Say why you want to give the feedback first.
For example, “I want to get us on the same page.” or “ I want to make sure XYZ really goes how we both want it to.
2. Own your part.
For example: “I am sorry I didn’t bring this up sooner.” For more on this refer to last week's blog about 8 ways to own your part.
3. Instead of accusing, state clearly what you are experiencing and feeling.
After that, say what you are making up about it. For example: “I’m nervous about our upcoming trip and I’m telling myself you don’t want to plan it out with me. I’d really like to get planning. It will help me relax.”
4. Ask for their perspective nicely.
You could say something like: “Does what I am saying make any sense? Are you up for sitting down and doing some planning with me?”
Did you notice that almost none of the above outline contains what seems like negative feedback?
What if you could transform all the stuff you complain about in your head, or to your friends, into this format of conversation?
Maybe the people in your life would listen, learn, and do better at collaborating with you!
Try it!
Check out my Instagram reel on the topic, linked below, with more examples for you!
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Frequently Asked Questions about Giving Negative Feedback Kindly
1. Why do people get so defensive when I give feedback?
Because they feel attacked—even if you didn’t mean it that way. Starting with your intention and owning your part helps disarm that reflex and opens the door for real dialogue.
2. Isn’t it manipulative to “position” feedback?
Not at all. Positioning feedback well shows care, not manipulation. It means you're thoughtful about how you communicate, which makes it more likely your message will land with kindness and clarity.
3. What if I’ve been holding something in for too long?
Own that up front. Try saying, “I’ve been meaning to talk about this and regret not doing it sooner.” That builds trust and takes the edge off, even if the topic is sensitive.
4. How do I know if what I’m saying is still “negative feedback” or just me expressing a need?
It’s both. Frustrations usually point to unmet needs. By framing them around your own experience and making a clear request, you help the other person understand instead of feel criticized.
5. What if the person still gets defensive, no matter how gently I say it?
That’s useful data too. Stay calm, stay grounded, and repeat your intention to connect, not criticize. If they consistently resist feedback, it may be time to reevaluate how you communicate—or whether they’re a good fit for deeper partnership.
